As I write this post, it is raining here (again). I am looking out our open sliding door window and yet I still have the birds hopping around, the cows casually walking in the fields and hear the tinkling of sheep bells. It is a good day and we live in a beautiful world.
But yet, I am sad at this moment. I thought about writing a quick Facebook post, but quickly realized that this is more than a social media post.
In fact, over the past few months, I have been compiling a list of articles explaining the process we are going through and how marrying abroad is different than getting married in the United States. There are a lot of similarities, a lot of differences and a lot of misunderstanding, especially online. Those will be postponed for now.
I also was writing a journal of being engaged and wedding planning during the pandemic—more for us to look back on and not necessarily to bore everyone to tears. No, you didn’t miss them. I never published them openly or posted a link on Facebook.
Wedding Plans 2020
When Thomas and I got engaged, we both knew we wanted to get married in 2020. German engagements tend to be very short, and let’s face it—we are both over 40. This is my first and hopefully only wedding. We kept this goal in mind even as things ramped up past April.
German-style Planning
Very early on, actually before we got engaged, we had talked about how to plan our double-wedding. In most of Europe, there are two ceremonies and it is usual to separate them by days, if not months or years. Knowing that neither of our families speak the language of the other and the cost associated with a “destination wedding”, the most logical step was to use the European wedding as our base.
Neither of us want spend our day translating and facilitating conversations, making sure everyone is comfortable, and evaluating every aspect to ensure equal inclusion of all parties. We also do not want to have the “my side is bigger because it is easier for them to come”.
That means the first legal wedding will be held in Germany. The second significant wedding will be held in the United States. Don’t worry, any Americans who may feel they are getting cheated out of seeing the “real” wedding can relax knowing that the Germans are feeling the same way and that the “real” wedding is going to be in the USA.
I consider that completely fair.
Stopping Planning Our American Wedding
The US wedding planning started before anyone was really in “the know”. Before it was posted on Facebook. Before we had even been able to leave to visit Thomas’ parents to tell them the news.
Now. I am calling off the US wedding for the foreseeable future. No, I am not sending out cute cards. I am not having to figure out how to get our money back from vendors.
That is not a big deal.
Reasons Why
What IS a big deal are the reasons WHY we are choosing to just not make any more plans or even gather ideas.
- Travel restrictions: We still do not have open borders with the United States—even at a State level. The EU is also not short-listing the United States for general acceptance. There are so many reasons for this, but that is irrelevant if the planes are not flying.
- Quarantine: The two of us travelling to two destinations would provide a “single target” as far as viral contamination goes. However, with restricted vacation time, a two-week quarantine in the United States AND then back in Europe is just not how we want to travel.
- Masks: having either ceremony “in mask” is non-debatable.
Each of these points is an entire article in and of itself. Travel restrictions are a major (currently insurmountable) topic. Quarantines are a major topic. Masks are a major topic.
The Final Reason
But the final reason and the one that has finally convinced even me that this is not something I want to experience is truly devastating. It is also the hardest one to write about.
- Social Division among my friends and family: the personal posting and commenting I have silently followed most painstakingly has presented a picture that I don’t feel I can handle on my wedding day.
I love all my friends and family deeply. I have been gone for a long time, but I still feel deeply connected to you all and respect each and every one of you. Please don’t block me or erase me from your life.
Sadly, I don’t always feel reflect back when I read my Facebook feed.
I don’t mean for me, personally. I mean for one another. I personally do not feel injured.
It has shocked me to no end the harshness and lack of empathy underlying so many posts of various people. Granted, these are usually blindly passed along or faceless memes.
These are not limited to “the right”, “the left”, “social justice warriors”, or any other people who have been accused of being mean. Every single side has done and is doing it.
I spend an inordinate amount of time reading both multiple news source (the ones you all post so faithfully—of all sides), their sources, the secondary literature (you can take the girl out of University, you cannot take the university out of the girl) and “neutral sources” we can all accept are not perfectly neutral and perfect as they are human.
I want to understand where each person is coming from. I acknowledge that I am not involved and cannot personally understand much of anything from a personal standpoint. I am not a target of any “injustice” of any kind. But more often than not I understand multiple sides of each topic, be it political, social, global, scientific, social; not perfectly, it is true.
But I attempt to maintain the grace that realizes most people are not as extreme in their thoughts as they are able to articulate. And just as I do; we all have problems articulating complex thought processes. This is especially true when condensing thoughts down to 10 words or less.
Without going into any personal details, I do want to acknowledge that the “culture of shame” as well as the “cancel culture” are both very real and very harmful.
I know, “cancel culture” is a mainstream “phenomenon”. But I do just want to step back from the people trying to distort simple basic truths by renaming and redefining things in complicated terminology. That is as dangerous as using a limited vocabulary incapable of articulating complex thoughts.
It has a Name
Shaming and silencing people through intentionally misquoting, personally attacking, twisting their words and blanket assumption, ridiculing, insulting and reverting to “if you are not with us—you are against us” mentalities is bullying. Quite simply, it is no different than 3rd grade schoolyard bullying and cliquey behavior we adults so sharply criticize.
I remember bullying as a child. I was too smart, too skinny, too bossy, too female (or not enough male?), too uncool, too ugly (yes, direct quote—it was my nickname for over 4 years in a certain circle). I wore the wrong clothes (and glasses), liked the wrong things, had the wrong hobbies. Truth: I lied to get out of recess in elementary school; I also actively TRIED to fail a class in the 7th grade to prove that I was “normal”, just so it would stop. (I failed at that, too.). In my freshman year of college, I refused to compare scores on papers and exams in AP History: United States History because having the highest score was worse than having the lowest.
I also distinctly remember my Mom and Dad telling me that things would change when I got older; that the things I was teased and bullied for now would become things people would respect me for later.
It is becoming more and more apparent that they were wrong.
They were right that a lot of the things I was bullied for would become strengths people respect in me.
Oh, and I do not feel personally bullied. In that respect, they were also right. I found new friends and the strength to walk away from dangerous (to me) social circles.
I figured out how to internalize the quote:
Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.
attributed to Dr. Suess.
But I also did not insulate myself in a new socially homogenic circle. There are benefits to being an eternal outsider. It keeps you looking for the reason why and asking strange questions.
Self-Awareness
I do wonder if people are aware of how dreadful particularly the memes and “catch phrases” are that they are posting. If they are aware that they are slowly… ever so slowly… becoming more and more negative. In kid-talk I think the word I am looking for is: mean.
It shocks me how many people find them amusing, positive and “well-liked”.
Have we all become so blind to what meaness is?
Melania Trump said her fight would be to stop bullying. I remember that. I also remember that being a call-to-arms during the Obama administration.
Calling people out to shame strangers on the street is a call to reintroduce the “School-yard culture” to the adult world. It is to weaponize childish behavior in an adult world. By the way: shaming doesn’t work. It just hurts. It isn’t funny. It is playing to our clique. It is not showing grace, understanding or kindness.
So why do I see adults bullying on Facebook? Aren’t we better than that? Children do to each other what we as adults model for them.
At a Loss For Words
The past days, I have been repeatedly asked at work to explain the “Americans”. The topics vary. I am sure without naming them you could come up with the list all on your own.
This is not asked in a “holier-than-thou” manner . No. They are honestly curious. They are shocked. They ask me because I have that neutral contact to so many Americans in so many cirles (I am one).
I can explain certain backgrounds, history, information and knowledge as well as their sources. I cannot explain the memes they show me. I cannot explain the tone.
Before you think It is just Americans–Europeans do this too. This is very global. It is simply that I am talking about my American wedding.
My Wedding – My Heart’s Desire
I want to get married in the United States. I want my parents to see me a bride. I want us to have this moment. Each of us. My Dad wants to be the Father of the Bride. My Mom is looking forward to getting ready with her daughter, the Bride.
My Mom keeps telling me:
“Kristin. Plan YOUR wedding. This is about what YOU want. Don’t worry about what other people think or want. They love you and they will be happy to be there for YOU. They will be fine.”
But see, this is what I want. I want to invite all my family and close friends. I truly and honestly want all of you—every. single. one.—to come and feel more than welcome. I am not inviting extras or “must haves”. Each person who gets an invitation is so very important to me.
I envision a time of happiness and catching up; a time of togetherness and simplicity; a time we enjoy one another’s presence. A time and place where people feel comfortable and at ease.
A time where “talking points”… aren’t. Where people show we can come together despite living in different cliques (I mean social circles).
My perfect wedding is much simpler than most think.
I don’t want people “playing nice”, wearing masks (the ones we cannot see), silently judging because it has just become a habit. I don’t want people to be afraid—of viruses, food poisoning, social approval, or what someone might say. We don’t want to be afraid of what someone might say.
Oh, and I want you to be more than “fine”. I want you to be happy. Is that too much to ask?
Someone responded: “Yes, Kristin, it is.”
So we are not planning our wedding at this time. Someday soon, I hope… But it makes me so very, very, very, sad.
